I feel for the crazed deer hunter in all of us. The season never seems to get here, and never lasts long enough. Guys and gals like us always want more, and never seem to get enough. We think about it, read about it, and generally sleep dreaming about it.
Is it a disease? Is it curable? Nay my friends, it’s not even treatable! For the likes of us who live and breathe the hunt, there is no rhyme, no reason, and no rest for the weary deer hunter who is obsessed with the chase and compulsive about getting ready for it.
Herein lies the answers to all of your questions, the key one being how bad is the severity of your individual case. Take now, my brothers and sisters, the quiz that can help you to see the light at the end of the deer hunting tunnel and start yourself down the road towards the laughter and joy that comes from being afflicted by the fair chase.
Get ready to see yourselves in the mirror, you deer hunting maniacs!
Some of these may seem pretty simple and arbitrary towards the deer hunting community, but if you have a disease, you will see it clearly. I’ve assigned a system of one simple point for each of these heartwarming and heart wrenching maladies the we all have, with a few surprises along the way!
You are officially on your road to being an OCDH if you:
1. Ever put deer urine on your person.
2. Ever let somebody else put deer urine on your person.
3. Smell said deer urine before you use it. Oh, you’ve done it.
4. Thought about deer hunting while bass fishing.
5. Slowed down for a dead deer to see if it had antlers. Every. Single. Time.
6. Shower using scent free soap for a month straight before the season opener.
7. Wash your hunting clothes 10 times the day before.
8. Use ‘fresh earth’ cover scent deodorant.
9. Use oak tree dryer sheets on your hunting clothes.
10. Bag your clothes with cotton balls full of scent, including everything from doe in estrous to red fox urine. Yes, more urine.
11. Have more than five electronic gadgets in your bag.
12. Ever hung yourself by your tree harness to make sure it works.
13. If you look down the barrel to make sure its not blocked. (minus 10 if you don’t use a tool)
14. Sighted in more than 5 times before the season.
15. If you ever used You Tube to let loose buck grunts from your tree. (minus 10 if its illegal in your state or province)
16. Kissed an arrow or gunsight for luck.
17. Check the breach to make sure the gun’s loaded over and over.
18. Keep checking the safety over and over.
19. Put the binocs up to your face incessantly because they’re no good just dangling there.
20. Went to Bass Pro and only looked at hunting stuff.
21. Went to Bass Pro and found fishing stuff you thought would be good for deer hunting.
22. Have a piece of ShamWow to dry your scope. (It works great!)
23. Wipe your scope over and over even though its dry.
24. Clean your gun before you hunt, then worry about the smell.
25. Check the moon phases a year in advance.
26. Can’t decide what camo pattern to wear and have to ask your significant other.
27. Call in sick to go hunting.
28. Boss actually already knows you’ll be gone that day because he hunts too.
29. Vacation starts at the season opener.
30. You know the complete deer hunting show lineup on TV.
31. You’ve ‘liked’ more than 20 deer hunting pages on Facebook.
32. Your dating profile includes a picture of your biggest buck.
34. You have more than 20 pictures of bucks on your phone.
35. You’re thinking about buying another chest freezer.
36. You’ve tagged deer in more than one state or province.
37. You think of deer hunting as going out for dinner.
38. You’ve made a hunting hunny-do list.
39. You’ve had to explain to someone what a ‘buttout’ tool is.
40. If you ever blew like a deer in a social situation.
41. If you ever grunted like a deer in a social situation.
42. If you’ve been in the woods long enough to have a bird land on you.
43. If you’ve been in the woods long enough to see every creature that exists there. (except deer of course)
44. If you’ve ever carved your initials or the number of times you’ve hunted from the tree that your using.
45. If you’ve snapped a twig in your yard and got pissed because you know that everything in the world must have heard that.
46. If you ever heard a twig snap in your yard and got excited.
47. If you ever war painted yourself.
48. If you cringe at the sound of your coat zipper, paper wrapper, or sandwich bag on a quiet day.
49. If you stopped using all forms of wrappers, and waxed your zipper.
50. If you ever warmed your hands with your freshly filled pee bottle. Yes you did.
51. If the only time you ever worry about your breath is deer season.
52. If you ever wondered if they make scent remover toilet paper.
53. If you think your baby’s sneezing sounds like a doe blowing.
54. If you ever tested your tree climber in your front yard.
55. If you left your tree climber in the yard and had a beer while sitting in it.
56. If you ever thought about naming your son Cabela.
There’s a saying that I used back in my construction days when guys started trash talking: “Ain’t nobody would ever say it that didn’t do it.” Guilty as charged!
Total points: 56 and feel free to check my math on that, with a possible minus 20 for bad behavior.
0-14: Youth hunters are people too.
15-28: Still a little wet behind the ears, rookie.
29-42: Have you thought about getting this looked at?
43-56: Congratulations! You are in serious need of psychiatric help. May I go deer hunting with you?
Feel free to tag your best hunting buddy and add to this list!